...sweat, and curse my excess flesh. But that feels like another lifetime.
Twenty years ago a miracle happened. I lost 150-pounds for the last time becoming one of the one-half percent of people who lose more than 100-pounds and keep it off for more than five years without surgery.
Like your life, my journey of transformation wasn’t just about food and weight. Releasing the weight permanently included navigating relationships, health issues, money, and work in a way that brought me closer to the truth of who I am.
Every single day I feel grateful for the freedom to do little things I was once unable to do – cross my legs, slip through turnstiles, spring up from the floor, fit in airplane seats, ride roller coasters, and stroll on the beach with ease.
But that’s not where I started…
My first memory of compulsive eating happened when I was about 7 (but my childhood eating patterns feel connected with the early trauma of experiencing foster homes and adoption).
My mom, my little brother, and I had just gotten home from grocery shopping. My brother and I were happily watching “Kimba the White Lion” on black and white TV with snacks while Mom put away groceries and started dinner. A short time later, I heard a gasp coming from the kitchen, “Becky!” Did you eat that whole box of Pizza Spins?!”
I remember the flush of shame filling my face along with my own shock at the truth of the matter. The box was just about empty and I didn’t remember eating them. What had just happened?
When I turned 21, I celebrated the weekend with my first true love, a man with whom I was engaged to be engaged. A couple of weeks later a friend called to ask me if I knew he was engaged to his old girlfriend. No, of course, I hadn’t known. I was devastated. Clearly I could not trust myself with food or men. I immediately gave up on both and gained over 100 pounds in a year. Without any skills to cope with the loss of the relationship, I numbed myself with working, eating, and sleeping between irrepressible tears and self-blame.
Weighing 300-pounds, the most I’d ever weighed after years of losing and regaining since childhood, I was about to graduate from college and apply for professional work. I felt like a fraud inside and I thought, ‘How could a smart woman be so stupid? How could I be so capable in other areas and not be able to control my weight?’
I felt lost. I had fiercely negative self-judgments. I really didn’t want to deal with the issue. After trying dozens of diets that never worked in the long run, I didn’t know what to do.
So I decided to live from the neck up and focused on my accomplishments, my career, and my social life. But always, great pain and confusion lay just below the surface.
When not in denial, I had a deep sense that my weight was holding me back in my relationships and career. Both because of how I felt about myself and because of how I was perceived by others.
Weight discrimination provided outer confirmation for my negative self-worth. The blatant cruelty by strangers toward me because of my size added another level of suffering to an already barely tolerable situation.
Even though I was finally opening to the idea of dating again, I was cynical about the possibilities. I was as aware as anyone how far my body was from our cultural ideals of beauty.
Trying so hard to fix myself, I got more stuck every time I tried. My trouble with weight brought me to my knees.
From somewhere inside, came a desire and a commitment that I later realized was the beginning of my last weight loss program. It was this: I made an innocent but sincere commitment to understanding the truth about my issues with food and weight. Whatever it took. No matter what.
At the time I had no idea how important it was. Now I say, “Grace engaged my vanity for the sake of my soul.”
Back then I thought if I just work hard at figuring this out I’ll be thin in a year, find love, and live happily ever after. That fantasy is not what happened at all – not even close – but it gave me the energy I needed to engage in what felt like an impossible, uphill battle.
Even though I wanted to lose weight, and a lot of it, somehow, all of a sudden the truth was even more important. Whatever the truth was, wherever it took me, I would go until I knew in every cell of my body what was really going on.
With my commitment to the truth in hand and heart, I began a weight loss experiment and felt for the first time in my life like I was in a flow with food.
A couple of months into my experiment, Chris, a dieting buddy and college friend, could no longer stand it. “I want what you have,” she said. “You’re committed, you’re finally doing it, you’re losing weight and feeling great, you’re happy and successful. I want that too.”
I thought, ‘Yeah, all that’s true.’ After countless hours of commiserating with her about not being able to lose weight, all of a sudden I was in the flow. How did this happen? Why this time? Why now? What do I have? And how did I get it?’
At the time, I could not tell you why this time was different. Certainly, I had tried lots of things – diets, gym memberships, hypnosis – and was sometimes able to stick with them but not in the happy and consistent way I was this time.
Like my commitment to the truth, I genuinely and passionately wanted to know what had changed in me that allowed me to be successful this time. Here I was in the place I wanted to be after so much suffering. I knew if I could figure it out I could help a lot of people, including Chris. I knew what it was like to struggle and I really wanted to help.
That very day I made a second commitment – to pass on everything I learned about the truth to those struggling with weight.
Now with 30 years of research and teaching experience on the exact process I (and hundreds of others) have used to lose weight for the last time, it is my honor to fulfill my second commitment and pass on to you everything you need to take your true shape.
As you will soon experience for yourself, every permanent weight loss journey is really a love story. It tells us about losing and regaining the love, truth, and beauty we are.
But because the real story is hidden under tragic tales of losing our fight with the devil – forever trapped in the hell of losing and regaining the fat we most hate – it’s hard to find.
That’s why I’ve created this website, to guide and support the unfolding of your last weight loss journey – your love story. Start here.
Want to Know More about My Personal Story?
The details of my journey are in short stories. To read the whole collection click here (coming soon).
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